A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named governmentium. It has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of four years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quality is referred to as “critical morass.” When catalyzed with money, governmentium becomes administratium—an element which radiates just as much as energy as governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A rival research institution, equally famous for its discoveries, has found that administratium readily combines with swamp gas to form eunuchium, an antivitamin unendingly dispersed by contact with promissory votes. The same institution has tried without success to patent sterilium, a solvency depletor advertised as a euphoriant, but traces of sterilium-induced behavior have been found in historical records from every age and place, making any claim to novelty untenable in these enlightened times.
We should never need to be reminded, or to remind others, that for every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
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